 |
| sunlight through a breaking wave |
This writing was good. Deep, deep enough to want to re-read it twice after the first reading. Fear as the total concept of why we are holding back, self-critical, not finding the love and peace we seek, is pretty incredible and is truth (Truth).
As we or in this case,I, face what confronts me, what disturbs me in the place of feeling ok with my own feelings or decisions, I will face self-examination and hopefully find that although it is a process, it is a tool, like a barometer, of where I am with my feelings about myself. Which side of the fence I am on, as she puts it, and indeed I want to be in agreement that I am good, right, have the ability to change and roll and also I definitely agree with the total concept that the typical American Dream we have been surrounded by our whole lives is partially me, partially totally not me. So if this is a premise to happiness, then we must first make peace with what OUR dream is. This will perhaps lead to self-exploration and sort out why we are suffering without needing to.
There is no wrong or right. There is what we choose, but we first have to agree to disagree with that which was instilled in us from day one.
In my life there was so much potential for my nuclear family to be incredible,( yet surely not what it became yet not maybe better who knows?). When my father, a loving,kind,intelligent healer/M. D. who all in my small community died, with him went my future as it could have been, along with my Mom's, brother's, and sister's. Now I remember him well. I made peace with my mother for being so non-emotional and supportive growing up, she was a stricken person, and my brother suffered tremendously. My sister doesn't even remember my Dad. But besides all of this, we are WHO we are now due to what has occurred in our past, I do know this much. I accept it. My blame about what happened as a result of my early childhood loss and how my mother dealt with it, is now there most likely, like the fear, and her constant stance that we weren't good enough as well; but it has been examined for many years as I have wanted peace, to soften the hard edges that were blocking my own path to Enlightenment, my own peace and self-acceptance. The flags flare up when I feel like I am not doing enough; or if someone creates that in my mind which off course, I am working on in terms of dismissing the negative feeling so that I may feel the truth.
For now this is what I did, how I organized my day yesterday as I am organizing myself a bit but also being kind to myself, knowing how the year of planning out my grieving after my brother died was one of learning that you can't truly do it this way. But I did well. Gratitude is definitely a healer. Counting our blessings, but really meaning it and also how about this: look back and see how much I DID do. Do not focus on what is left to do; how we dropped the ball; what we didn't accomplish. I did A LOT. Maybe too much at times, the old idea of "I must work hard, focus and finish a project, stand out as being successful at what I begin or set out to do" is huge. If some of this "American Dream" that I sometimes lived and live, is not the bad thing as she writes. It is what WE see as what we should be doing. Behind closed doors how many people are sad, unhappy, feel unworthy, because of the standards they feel they should be living and cannot?? The same families are out in public, looking and appearing to be that big dream and do pretty well at it. What are we running from when we are putting that out there? Our own feelings about what our lives should really look like. I have learned so much, and it is always a learning path I am on regarding my self-awareness, ability to achieve what is really for me, and yes it is easier said than done! But it is a path worth following, always knowing that all will be as it should....
yesterday, played with my hair and hair-dresser, had a massage, and saw my orthopedic doctor who gave me options that scared me, but my back is what it is, and it can stay at a dull roar and not go into full pain and injections, which no one really thinks at this point is happening. The future is really up to me: find activities that heal and help; yoga; massage weekly; distance healing and talking to Fran; staying open to friendships and possibilities. I also love doing things for other people, especially my family and extra especially my kids so my Valentines went out although a bit late, a day or 2 in the boxed up shipping things, but they went! And love went with them. There are blessings all around. When I was mailing the simple cards yesterday before the last U.S. mail went out at the P. Office, a woman standing near the door doing the same, and I said something to one another; it was beautiful. We were sending love~!
